By Jane Lazarre
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Extra info for The Mother Knot
Sample text
In an ocean of failures, he would succeed. And he would be rich. James and I were not, I realized once again, just any old couple holding hands in Central Park, making up from a fight before drifting off to sleep, failing each other at times and fulfilling each other as best we could. We were a political entity: Black man married to white woman. It had been one thing to understand racism and to hate it as I saw it affecting people I had come to love. It was quite another to imagine my own child having to struggle against the world in ways I had not experienced until I was past twenty.
It was my very nature to bear children, they said, and I believed them. We were all still locked into that vicious lie that if a woman is really a woman, she will bear children gracefully; if she is ultimately feminine, she will mysteriously know how to be a good mother. Even after nine months of a pregnancy which suggested that either the myth was untrue or I was a colossal failure, I still believed the lie. One night the pains didn't go away. At two in the morning I remembered the Lamaze teacher saying, "When you're in labor, if it's at night, let your husband sleep.
It was odd not to have to worry about birth control. It should have freed me, I told myself, to a sexual abandon hitherto unexperienced in my life. But, unfortunately, floor-to-ceiling mirrors faced our bed; whoever designed those mirrored closet doors had a more supple body than mine in mind. All of my life I had struggled to see my body as being beautiful even though my big breasts always seemed so ungainly when compared to the subtle. boyish chests ornamenting the New York Times Magazine every Sunday.
